Does a Gas-Station Have the Best Slice in Town?

Let’s face it, Canton is a culinary wasteland. Sure, we have some decent takeout spots -- don’t think for one second I’d turn my nose up at Indian Express or A1 Kitchen. Hell, I’ll even celebrate McDonald’s recent arrival to the party. After all, where else can you gorge after midnight for pennies on the dollar while stoned to the point of hallucination?

Other than that, though, you’re left with one option: pizza. 

Canton may be the pizza capital of the North Country. Not because the pizza here is good -- it isn’t -- but because there’s so much of it.

Just on Main Street, we have Sergi’s, Josie’s, and Little Italy. That’s a lot considering there’s, like, five places to eat in total. 

On the other side of town there’s Pizza Hut, and up until recently we had Domino's, too -- the closing of which remains one of the great injustices ever inflicted on this town. 

Yet, that is far from the number of pizza places in Canton. Every gas station also serves pizza, and if you know anything about Canton, you know we have an appalling number of them. Last I counted, there were about 11. In fact, I think we have more gas stations than churches, which probably says something salient about American society. Too much of each, in my opinion.

Anyway, the gas station pizza here is pretty good, and one in particular is better than any of the actual pizza restaurants. Of course I’m talking about Sunoco’s pizza, rather conveniently located across from the Stadium Sports Bar. 

I think Sunoco has the best pizza in Canton -- not just out of the gas stations, but in general. 

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking: No way, Sunoco? What about Sergi’s?? Josie’s? Little Italy!? Well, hear me out.

We first need to address the elephant in the room: our own biases. Something in our middle-class deoxyribonucleic acid tells us that gas-station pizza can never be equals with pizza from an actual pizza place. In our hearts, the two are differences of kind, not degree, in the same way that American cheese can never have the same Civil Rights as, say, gruyere. 

But this bigotry ought to be extirpated with the same sedulousness as any other “isms” we may inadvertently harbor. And let me tell you something: once you try Sunoco pizza, your life henceforth changes. 

All the prejudice and snobbery you’ve accumulated about gas-station pizza and the kind of people who eat it evaporates instantly. It’s like losing your faith, and a dizzying vertigo overcomes you as you question everything you thought you knew. 

It can’t possibly be this good, you think. Am I high? Probably you are, since you’re at a gas station eating pizza, but the sobering truth remains: you just bit into the best slice in Canton. 

Let’s compare Sunoco to Sergis, the most popular pizza joint in town.

For starters, Sunoco sells pizza by the slice, whereas Sergi’s for some insane reason does not. Real pizza connoisseurs know that by-the-slice is better than a whole pie, for the simple reason that reheated pizza develops a crispier crust. That’s why the undercarriage at Sunoco is deeply colored, even caramelized, and has crazy flavor. 

As for Sergi’s, the dense, doughy crust just doesn’t develop enough browning. The pies always have a sort of pale color, and as a result have a sort of pale flavor. Pizza should be cooked right until the crust begins to burn, and in fact a few burn marks are welcome. 

Because of the colorful cook on Sunoco’s pizza, the pepperoni curls up crispy with a puddle of grease inside, like an above-ground swimming pool. That’s the best way to eat pepperoni, and Sergi’s’ by comparison falls literally flat. 

For saying this I know I will have to defend myself against the quasi-religious following Sergi’s has amassed both at St. Lawrence and in Canton generally. So let me say I’ve given that family more money than everyone reading this combined. Nor am I immune to the mysterious charm of a Bob’s Special.

If I had to choose whether to keep Sunoco or Sergi’s in business, without question it would be Sergi’s. Nobody gives a fuck about gas-stations, and it’s impossible not to appreciate the institution Sergi’s has become. Slice for slice, however, I’m taking Sunoco seven times out of ten. It sounds blasphemous, I know, but blasphemy tends to be correct. 

Here’s where things get interesting. It’s possible to argue that Little Italy has the best slice in town, because sometimes it does. This is highly conditional, though.

(On a side note, Little Italy Potsdam inarguably has the best slice in the area, but I’m limiting the discussion to Canton for now.)

In my experience, the pies they put out vary widely. Sometimes they’re thin and crackery, which is great, but other times they’re stale and chewy -- not so great. 

What’s worse, Little Italy closes early, which to a college-aged crowd is the equivalent of not being open at all. Sometimes they’re not even open during their operating hours! I swear I’ve gone at least five times in the last few months when they say they’re open online, only to find it shuttered. Wanna know who gets my business instead when that happens? 

Josie’s for some reason doesn’t exist to me. I’ve had their pizza, and think it might be just as good as Sergi’s, but it never crosses my mind to go there. Not quite sure why. I don’t think it has ever really entered the public consciousness of this town. I mean, does anyone actually eat there? 

I’m not even going to waste your time discussing Pizza Hut here, as if they were ever in the conversation for best pizza in town. I will say, however, that their cinnamon sticks with jizz-dip are so good they should be illegal. I can’t order them anymore, because they almost ruined my life in college. I would seriously abandon my children, pawn my belongings, and live in a box beside the Grasse River to satisfy that craving.  

The other gas station pizzas, from Stewart’s to Kunoco, are about as good as you’d expect, which is to say not at all. Actually, Stewart’s pizza is meh, but why would you go there for anything other than a milkshake or condoms? 

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention you can get two big slices of Sunoco pizza for $4, or a large pie for around $12. That’s literally insane, considering a large Sergi’s or Little Italy pizza will run you $25. 

I know that’s because Sunoco is a soulless dystopian abomination, whereas the others are family-run. So I’m not discouraging anyone from eating there. I order Sergi’s and Little Italy all the time! And we should always support small-businesses over corporate monstrosities. 

I guess all I’m trying to say is, next time you’re delirious after a night at the Stadium, do yourself a favor and head to Sunoco. And don’t trouble to thank me.